Gripes- major ones

Last night I had some crappy dreams.  In one, I had a baby whose diapers kept ripping, and I found out someone was cutting the sides so they would rip.  I, and the people who were with me, needed to go somewhere 11 hours away, and somehow they all took off without me, and with my phone.  I was stuck trying to drive a very heavy and too tall motorcycle without money or a phone for 11 hours! I couldn't figure out how to shift and I fell.
Crappy dreams usually mean something is going on in my life that I am upset about but can't deal with.  I know what I am upset about.  My kids are moving 3 states away with their dad.  You've never heard me talk crap about their dad.  Today I just might.

Last month he called me to tell me he missed me.  This didn't surprise me because we have maintained a decent friendship after the divorce.  Then he told me that he still wanted to grow old with me.  How sweeet, right? This was heartbreaking to me.  I left for a reason and I really don't think I could go back.  I do miss family- especially with my kids.  I miss my own home.  I miss being a wife and full time mom.  But that's not enough for me to go running back to him.  I told him that.  I told him that I was sorry, I don't want to hurt him again, and his flirting really makes my heart ache.  He told me he was just flirting, it was a joke, and he and the kids would not want me to live under their roof again.  Ouch!  Here I was worrying about his feelings.

Who is gonna worry about mine?

Did he worry about my feelings when my car broke down on the freeway and I had my 2 year old daughter with me?  We had been working at cleaning a house and we looked cruddy and practically homeless.  I called him, I was ten miles away from home, and the car wasn't going anywhere.  He had no car- but he had a phone and people he knew with cars- could he help me?  No, he couldn't.  He had to go get our son from school.  I'd find a way home.  I took a ride from a stranger.  he had a carseat and cracker crumbs all over his car.  He seemed safe.  I made it home safely- without the ex's help.

Did he worry about my feelings when he was angry and upset at the world?  Did he stifle his thoughts because he knew they were untrue?  How many times did I hear how I was nothing because I was just an at home mom?  I made no money so I was worthless?  How many times was I taken for granted? 

And now- The kids needed to be checked out of school.  School says only the parent that checked them in can check them out.  He needs to fly in early from where he is living to check the kids out.  I only get one day a week with my kids, and they are leaving.  I get to rush through dinner so he won't be mad that he has to wait for them at the airport a couple of minutes.  Plus, the kids think he has full custody of them.  I have nothing.

For the record, I must go look at the divorce papers- I recall 50/50 custody with the kids deciding to live with dad - he had the house, the toys, I had a boyfriend and was the fault of the break-up.

The major gripe?  He posts on facebook: I have to go pick up the kids who I have custody of... What the heck?  Why do you need to point that out?  trying to impress someone?  trying to look like the good parent or cool dad?  Trying to hurt me.again? 

Then he gripes they weren't on time to pick him up at the airport.  He knew they were with me.  He knew this is the last time I get to see them until most likely summer.  Deal with it, jerk.

When do I get treated like a human?  when do I get a pat on the back for being there every moment and taking care of all their needs until I left?  I was an at home mom for 11 years.  I was sole feeder, diaper changer, booboo kisser.  I was the even temper, rule setter, fun mommy.  I was a good wife.  Running errands, cooking dinner, cleaning house, making a house a home.  Ex even admitted (he was probably drunk) that he didn't realize how much I did. 

And yet- he is still making me out to be the bad guy.  I started dating quickly after the divorce- Boyfriend is a friend I knew from high school and someone I went out with for drinks.  Ex assumes I cheated and left for Boyfriend.  Lets play devils advocate- OK?  What if I did?  Was the marriage whole and good if I looked elsewhere?  Many can tell you I didn't leave for boyfriend- I was out the door already.

So, I am the bad guy.  I have no redeeming values, and my kids have major issues with me.  Ex says he doesn't bad-mouth me in front of the kids, be he also doesn't root for me, does he?  he doesn't point out to the kids what I put into the family and how I was taken for granted.  He doesn't remember his negative points and tears he put into the marriage.  He is happy to think it is all my fault.

I was almost Ok with that- I think my kids will come around as the grow older.  We were going out and getting along.  They were seeing that their dad is demanding and impatient.  But now ex isn't just thinking.  Ex is voicing.  Ex is taking my kids three states away where I will have little affect on them and he will burrow into their brains.

I worry.

*for the record- my kids do not read this blog unless I bring it up for them and ask them to read it.  Right now, they are packing a van to move and are not on facebook or the internet.  I am am 99% certain that they will not read this, so I am not badmouthing their dad to them.  I wouldn't do that.  I don't want them to think negatively about their dad because of me.  Even as kids, if they griped about him, I tried to tell them his side.  If later, they decide they don't like some of his traits- that's their decision.  But I don't want my opinion swaying theirs.

positivity

My funny and wonderful brother said something the other day ( a day I spent with 6th graders that enjoy bad-mouthing each other) that made me think.  

I sent him that video- the one with the totally adorable asian boy singing "I'm Yours"- and told him that I wanted the kid for myself.  My brother replied "Well, he isn't singing English, and he has a freakishly amazing ability to play music at age 4, so he must be Korean- I can probably find him for you" (my bro lives in Korea).

Why'd that make me think?  Look at it again.  It's a compliment, right?  It's also a prejudicial and racial statement.  My brother rocks, he has managed to make statements like that positive.  Why don't we do that as a society?

Lemme give you some examples- and they might make some people angry- but just know that what I am about to say I might not believe and what I do believe is said with love and respect:

Instead of "Mexicans coming to the US don't bother to learn English"  why don't we say "I applaud those from Mexico that are able to learn the difficult English language and maintain their birth language as well" ?

or "Black people are all gangsters and thugs"  why not say "Black people are so good at sports"

or "White people are woosies"  becomes "White people are non-accostive"

Obviously some of the prejudice are still lies- as all people from one race are never exactly the same- but at least it's more positively prejudicial.

We could keep this positivity up whilst walking through our daily life too- huh?  That lady that just cut you off, wow, she managed to fit her big car into such a small space!  The woman doesn't need driving school- she needs an award for tetris or something.    The kid that just lied to you didn't lie, he is honing his creative storytelling skills.

No- just teasing- not like that.  Some people need to be called out for their negative actions in a constructive way.  They need to see reprecussions.

What I am saying is that we need to harp on the good traits our people (friends, family, class, society, etc) have rather than focusing on the negative.  My mom's cat Lily should be appreciated for her spunk and entertainment qualities.  I might not have mopped today- but you can appreciate that I cooked dinner and looked pretty while doing it.  The dinner might not have been fatty and greasy like you like, but it was healthy and your stomach will thank me later.

You get the picture?  good.  My brain just stopped working.  I couldn't give any more examples.
There are a lot of these nice "programs" out there- operation nice, post it notes, etc....all trying to get people to be kind and complimentary.  it's good for everybody's souls.

Trolls, Oh My!

I ordered a really cool book called "The Element Encyclopedia of Secret Signs and Symbols" by Adele Nozedar.  My mommy gave me a Barnes and Nobles gift card so I bought a fun book.  I am thrilled with this book- so far it seems accurate and non-biased.

The above symbol is called a Troll Cross.  I thought "how weird, who needs to protect themselves against trolls?"  My ancestors worked with trolls, side by side, to build a church.  You don't believe me?  Read about Heddal Stave and the Rygi- He was my ancestor.

However, lore states that trolls are mean and nasty- ask the billy goats Gruff.  They know.  Most of you don't think trolls exist anymore- or ever existed.   But I leave nothing to certainty when it comes to mythos.  Just like it has been discovered that some people are linked to neanderthals genetically (both neanderthals and homosapians were supposed to have lived separately and not have mated), I believe somewhere along the genetic lines, somebody made a troll human baby.  Or trolls became more human like and slipped silently into society.  or maybe not so silently.

How can you spot a troll?  you all know one.  S/he's the loudmouthed pushy, powerhungry jerk in the room.  (not all of these are trolls- but I think they might all have a wee bit of troll blood in them).  They want their way, and if they don't get it, they try a different tactic to get their way: bullying, shouting, punching, name calling, passive aggressive techniques, pouting, etc...

I wrote a poem about a part troll human I once knew:
Big green ogre
so angry and mean
all he does is yell and scream
spittle, tanturm
stomp and shout
turn my cabbage
into sauerkraut.

I soak up negativity and stress from around me.  This is why I hate being in a house with crabby, stressed, aggressive, people (psychic vampires).  I can't even watch shows like punked or repoed comfortably- or any of those reality shows that focus on anger and stress.  It eats at me.

I can sure see why someone would need a troll cross.

things to come part deux

My birth father is now a devote Christian.  he has his minister's license and everything.  He has always been a religious person from what I remember- but it was more him being a theologian than a worshipper.  He used to read us the Bible at the kitchen table once a week- in Hebrew! and then he'd discuss it.  In later years, I'd find him in his car on friday nights listening to Jewish temple.  He explained a few details about Judaism to me.  The reason we sailed from New York to Florida on his boat was because he wanted to go to Israel- Israel was our initial destination but the boat pretty much quit in Florida.  It actually quit in New Jersey, but we gimped down to Florida without a mast and dealing with leaks, cold, and a bad motor.
My first introduction to paganism came through him.  He didn't know, and he'd be quite aghast if he knew now.  He is very upset at my choice for a religion.  I actually thought he'd be a good person to discuss it with when I started religious studies over 12 years ago- but he had found his God and was not happy with mine.
How'd he start my (bitter descent to hell) paganism studies?  He pointed out that when he read the Hebrew bible- it says "In the beginning, the GODS created the heavens and the earth"

A hint of things to come..........

I'm going to start by digressing- I know, weird way to start, but I feel it is necessary.  My mom married that guy up there.  Then she had my brother and I.  When I was about 3, that guy and my mom divorced.  My relationship with his has been spotty.  I rarely saw him as a child (due to conditions or choice, I do not know).  I visited him at about ten yrs of age and ended up living with him.  We sailed from New york to Florida.  I remember my main caretaker being his psycho girlfriend, though, not him.  It might have been difficult for him to deal with an almost teenager girl, he might have tried, I don't remember.  My adult years have seen him sporadically.  He stopped by for a few hours when my son was about 6 months old. He sent money when my other son died.  He sent a present a few winters ago.
What leaves a negative feeling in my bones is how he communicates.  He is not a happy man.  He feels he has been wronged.  I'm a listening ear.  But- he bad mouthed my mom to me! My mom- the woman who never said a negative thing about him- the woman I respect and revere.  He said mean things about her.  Mean things, that even if they were true, would not matter to me.  When he sent the gift a few winters ago, my kids sent him a thank you note- they did not refer to him as grandpa, they do not know him as grandpa- and he was mad.  BUT, if you ask him what their names or birthdays are, he couldn't tell you without looking it up.  He even asked why he sent me money on my son's death day- he was looking through his check register and couldn't remember what that money was for.  
Anyway, this post is not a "feel sorry for me- he's done me wrong" post.  because he hasn't.  Even though we don't have a relationship now, he picked the best mother for me that anyone could have.  He taught me about sailing.  He introduced to me to things I would never have known about.  He could be a really cool man to know- if he just didn't say mean things about my mom- if he just didn't expect too much out of a relationship just because he helped conceive me.
So, The reason I am blabbing all this- is because when I speak of him, I don't know what to call him.  Dad doesn't fit.  Sperm donor is unnecessarily cruel.  I'll call him my birth father.  Since this digression is sooo long.  I think I'll finish this post tomorrow.  I had something else to say but I wrote forever on this subject!

Kittehs

I'm having issues with my mother.  Yeah- that's not something I ever expected to say- ever- but here I am saying it. 
Lemme digress and backtrack before I explain said issues. 
Cats love me.  They follow me down the street.  They run out of their bushes to be loved by me.  They show up at my doorstep and adopt me.  I am a cat-magnet.  Like catnip to cats.  Cats always love me.  always.

Except the cats my mom chooses.  They are evil.  They aren't even real cats.  They think they are part dog, which might be part of the issue.  Neither of her current cats will snuggle with me.  Neither will let me hold them.  Neither will purr for me. 
One spends her day hiding- I assume it is from me.  Right now she is in the closet of my brother's room because my room is not good enough for her.
The other spends her day creating trouble

Then falling asleep.
but will she fall asleep in my warm squishy welcoming lap?  noooo.  she picks the Christmas tree to sleep in.
OR MY BROTHER'S LAP!

My mom needs to do a better job of picking kittens! how rude

Weekly update

It looks like unless I get more hours in the day, I'm gonna be doing a weekly update instead of a daily blog.  I started this blog when I was at home with a broken leg.  I have been lucky enough to be working every day almost- now- and when I am home, I'm making Christmas. 

For instance, when I did have a half day, I helped boyfriend finish the lights on the outside of the house and I put up this : my yule tree.  Oh tananbaum, oh tananbuam, how lovely are your branches~

Isn't it pretty?  I thought I was going to have to go buy more lights so I left it alone one night- and the next night I found 8 strings of lights in the ornament box- I really didn't see them in there before- I think the julenissan brought them.

Speaking of lights- the boys in this house fix everything! the 1.50$ light string doesn't work?  check the fuses- did you know lights have fuses?  I sure didn't.  If the fuses are new, check every light on the string.  look for a broken wire.  Even if the wire is cut, the boys fix it!  I tried to throw a string of lights away- dad fished it out of the trash and electrical taped it back together.
My first thought was "what the heck?"  it's a buck fifty per string- no large amount of money.  I think some things are meant to be thrown away-
My second thought was "wow- ok- they don't spend money frivolously, that's good, and not throwing it away is better for the environment"
but I finalized my thoughts with "I'm not putting any taped together lights on an extremely combustable tree".

Other than that, my red hair is holding, I've been getting spam (I'm closing comments after three days to see if that helps), and I'm zentangling my little heart out!

Off to read your blogs!